The statistics on relationships are depressing: in California
alone, the average marriage lasts just 5 years. Nationwide,
43% of marriages end within 15 years. Second and third
marriages end in divorce 60-70% of the time. Clearly, how we
handle our relationships is not working. And yet, 94% of young
adults in one study said that having a good marriage is
extremely important to them. So, what can you do?
We researched much of current the literature on relationships
and have condensed the results into just a few key concepts.
These principles seem to be the common denominators in
happy, successful marriages. See how many you can identify
in your relationship.
1. It starts with you
To paraphrase Abraham Lincoln, you are as happy as
you make up your mind to be. Research has shown that
happiness is a state of being, not of having or doing or
achieving. Nor is happiness a destination. People often
say, "I just want to be happy" or "I just want to have a
happy marriage" as if that is a future goal or place in
time. The problem is, they never get there. That's
because the future is... in the future. And the only true
destination is your final day on earth. And then it's too
late. So make the decision to be happier starting today.
There's a relationship benefit as well. The happier you
are with yourself and your life, the more attractive you
are to your partner. Another way to look at this is: if you
were someone else, would you marry you? Start today to
work on being the kind of person you would want to
know, to date, and to marry. If you're not that kind of
person now, how can you expect your spouse to stay
attracted or stay passionate?
2. There's you, there's him/her, and then there's "we".
You don't have to give up your identity or be known
solely as your spouse's partner.
It also doesn't work when two people each do their own
thing without regard to their partner's wishes and
feelings. Marriage is, and should be, more than
cohabitation. As the marriage vows state, "two shall be
as one". That "one" is neither you nor him. The "one" is
a third entity: the relationship, the marriage, the "we".
The "we" is what you share, what you have in common,
the support and nurturing that you cannot give yourself.
Think companionship, intimacy, and sharing.
3. You leave behind your emotional baggage
Are you really over your previous relationship? If not, you
can't fully commit to your spouse. Likewise, if you are
still Daddy's little girl or Mommy's boy, you are not in
control of your own life. Therefore, you cannot fully enter
into an adult relationship of mutual sharing and support.
You can't be accountable to your spouse if you still have
to please Mommy or Daddy.
You can't reach new heights as a person as long as
you're dragging around your emotional suitcases. And,
it's not fair to your partner. If you're dating but not in a
committed relationship right now, consider a time out
while you unpack those bags and resolve those issues
that keep you from being your own man or woman. If
you are committed, a relationship coach can help you
stow your baggage so you can be there completely for
your partner.
4. The marriage comes first
Marriage is supposed to be the strongest bond between
two people. Parents come and go; children grow and
leave. Your spouse is only person to stay with you the
rest of your time on this planet.
Women who say their children come first, usually can
never let the children grow up and become independent
adults because then the primary relationship in these
women's lives would end. So the children never
emotionally leave home and are forever dependent on
the parent. This delights the women because they are
not willing to have their children grow up emotionally and
become independent adults.
Women who say their children come first also seem so
surprised when their mates eventually decide to leave for
someone else who WILL put them first. And finally, when
children are the center of a women's life, and the
children eventually leave, the woman typically feels lost.
Her reason for existing the last 18-22 years has just
moved out. And if she should turn to her partner after a
20 year emotional abscense, it's like going to your high
school reunion. You used to know them but its not the
same now because they've changed.
When partners put the marriage first, friends, relatives,
and acquaintences are still important but they're not
primary. The man and woman, as the principals in the
relationship, are the combined heads of their household.
As such they look to eath other-and no one else-for their
primary comfort and support.
5. Your marriage is your top priority.
You didn't get married to commute two hours a day,Read Full Article
work at the office 60 hours a week, and pay on a
mortgage for 30 years, did you? You probably got
married to share your life-not your bills-with that special
someone. During life's ups and especially during life's
downs, keep in mind why you married in the first place.
It wasn't so you could get a better job, buy a better car,
or obsess over your favorite sports team. Once upon a
time, your partner was the most important thing in this
world to you. If you value your relationship, he or she
still is. Start acting like it again today and every day.
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American Gift Club
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